Due to new advancements in precognitive technologies, available exclusively to the Cougar Claw, we are able to present you with the latest updates for events that have not yet happened. Here we have, for your viewing pleasure, a story about the Harvard Tournament, written a week before the actual event.

Known by some as “The single most intelligent group of individuals to have ever walked the face of the earth”, the THS debate team recently left for Massachusetts to compete against the only other people that could possibly stand against them– Harvard’s debate team.

When asked what result was anticipated, team member Sarah Johnson scoffed. “I hate to brag, but I once won France’s National Debate Tournament– and I don’t speak french!” Sources confirmed that this was in fact untrue, although it is speculated she won upwards of 30 debates with various mimes.

Prior to the debate, the two teams engaged in small talk. The friendly chat strayed too far into politics, however, and Congressman Ricky Bayon sent three liberal debaters into a political coma through his vehemently conservative rebuttals before he was able to be placated. These students were able to be revived only after being hospitalized under the affordable care act for twenty-six seconds. Unfortunately, by the time they awoke, the debate had already been over for nineteen seconds and they had missed it.

Following the crushing defeat that had naturally ensued, the Harvard team was at a loss for words. One bewildered student could be heard saying, “What’s wrong with my medal? It’s like gold, but less yellow!” Another student was so awestruck by the Tomball team’s logic that they were rendered permanently incapable of using linking verbs. Harvard debate coach Phillip Abernathy merely said, “I don’t know how we can possibly recover from this. My career is over.”

Tomball debate team was not nearly so fazed by their victory. “It’s not a big deal,” said star debater Nathan Bolton, “It’s an everyday thing for us.” Debate Captain Austin Dominguez, when asked to comment, responded by attempting a back flip, which was met with limited success.

“The hardest thing about coaching the THS team,” Coach Rachel Beck said, “is that there are no challenging opponents left for them to face– they’re just too good.” 

And that certainly seems to be the case as we add another tally to Tomball’s perfect record of 27,683 consecutive wins.